How to Apologize the Right Way

Apologies can be intimidating. Knowing how to apologize effectively is an absolute game changer and will have a positive impact on your relationships.

Conflicts are inevitable in life — whether they arise in your friend group, at your work setting, within your family, or while dating. Many conflicts these days are also based on miscommunication online, which can be caused by the negative effects of social media.

Learning how to apologize provides an effective, basic conflict resolution technique. The American Psychological Association (APA) emphasizes this by saying that apologies help rebuild trust in a relationship. We’ll show you how to apologize in a sincere and effective manner. 

1. Acknowledge the Reasons for Your Apology

Before structuring how to apologize, ask yourself if an apology is truly necessary. It should not come from wanting to placate the situation or pacify the other person, but from true sincerity.

You may feel the need to apologize when it’s actually not necessary — this may sound familiar to you if you have people-pleasing tendencies. If you decide that an apology is appropriate, define your reasons for it. Some reasons can be:

• acknowledging you were at fault for specific behavior or words
• discussing boundaries in your relationships
• wanting to express your remorse or regrets
• learning from your past mistakes
• exploring new ways of dealing with a situation
• opening up the conversation

Next, write down your personal motives for this apology. Ask yourself:

• How did it get to this point? What situation or feeling caused it?
• Do I take my own apology seriously? 
• What are the most important issues I want to convey?
• Am I emotionally in the right place to apologize?

2. Find the Right Timing to Apologize

After deciding to go through with an apology, finding the right timing is the next important step. Take the following factors into account:

• Don’t catch them off guard: Find a moment when this person is available to talk and not in a stressful environment.
• Some time has passed: Make sure that both parties are not emotionally loaded anymore, so the situation won’t escalate.
• Not too much time has passed: Don’t wait around for too long, either. They may think you have already forgotten about the matter or falsely assume that you don’t care.

3. The Apology: Acknowledge the Offending Behaviour

You’ve outlined your reasons and motives, so now it’s time to put them into words. Of course, how you want to apologize is up to you, but taking certain things into account can make things easier for you. 

Make use of “I” statements and take full responsibility. Try not to shift the responsibility onto the other person, for example by saying, “I am sorry, but I think you took this the wrong way.” It’s important that you don’t accuse them of anything. Be authentic and humble in your apology. You can try using phrases such as, “What I did was hurtful and crossed boundaries. I am sorry for this.” or “I acknowledge that my behavior was not okay. Let me apologize for it”.

• Be clear about what you are apologizing for: Vague statements will confuse the other person and may cause them to not take you seriously. 
• Provide explanations: You could recap the intentions or explain how a situation may have escalated. Just don’t make excuses for yourself here. 
• Express remorse and communicate your regrets: This shows how sincere you are about the apology.

4. The Apology: Show Them You’re Willing to Change

After apologizing, it’s important to ensure that you are willing to make an effort to improve on yourself. Ask the other person what they expect or wish from you. This allows them to feel heard and can encourage the process of resolving the conflict between the two of you. 

Ensure them that you will do your best, so the offensive behavior won’t happen again. Be realistic: False promises will just worsen the situation and are counterproductive for rebuilding trust. Of course, you need to align your behavior with those statements in the time after the apology.

5. What Happens After the Apology?

Don’t expect things to be back to normal after your apology. Avoid thinking that everything is resolved again — an optimistic mindset is great, but make sure it does not turn into toxic positivity. An apology is an important and mature step but it doesn’t resolve all issues. Building trust in a relationship after a more significant conflict can take time.

Let the other person decide, whether they accept your apology and how to proceed with the situation. Take this time to self-reflect and allow yourself some self-care. You could try metta meditation, which helps you forgive yourself. If you’re up for more of a physical challenge, give hatha yoga a try. Also, check out our article on how to be more patient to help you in this situation.

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Some More Tips and Tricks for Your Apology

On top of the main steps, we’ve summarized some more useful tips that guide you on your way to learning how to apologize most effectively:

• Journaling: Learn how to write a journal and collect your thoughts and emotions on paper. This can bring some clarity to you and help you with structuring your apology. 
• Practice: Ask a good friend to rehearse the conversation with you as a role-play. Of course, you should not script what you are going to say, but practicing it can give you a good general idea.
• Don’t overdo it: Over-apologizing and statements such as “I am a terrible person. I never do anything right” takes away the attention from what you are apologizing for and make it about you. Besides, negative self-talk can have harmful effects on yourself.
• Don’t justify: Make sure you know the differences between explaining and justifying. Justifications can make the apology seem insincere.
• Show empathy: By apologizing and bringing up a specific conflict again, you may put the other person in an uncomfortable situation. They may react upset, angry, or confused — the best thing you can do is show empathy and use your emotional intelligence.
• Listen: Give the other person room to react to your apology, and take whatever they may say or feel seriously. Find out which listening types there are and how you can leverage them to become a better listener.

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Tags: Guide Healthy Living Mindfulness Practical Tips Relationships